Why Killzone 2 is definitely a “Halo Killer”

Killzone 2 launched exclusively on the PS3 about a week ago, generating much bias from biased people who are biased. It also sold quite a few copies and has been setting the PlayStation Network afire with grenade spam and shotgun rampages. It is a great game.

It is also blatantly better than Halo 3.

It’s impossible for one thing in this world to exist without something else being completely terrible. Therefore, I am now forced to present my concise and well thought out argument as to why Killzone 2 is definitely a “Halo Killer”. Keep in mind, I do not own Killzone 2, nor have I played any more of it than the demo includes.

Sean Pertwee is in it

Any game with Sean Pertwee in is is better than any game without. Primal is better than Halo 3, as well as the original Killzone and Warhammer 40K: Fire Warrior. Without having Sean Pertwee’s raspy English voice blowing orders at you through a gas mask, a multiplayer game just fails.

You can throw blood packs

As you probably play Halo 3 and therefore, are a moron, I’ll explain this for you. In Killzone 2, there is a class system, in which you are able to level up, and gain new abilities. If you choose to be a medic, you can gain the ability to throw blood packs on the ground for people to step on and heal themselves. Amazing!

This is absolutely, without a doubt, a much better way to heal yourself than using first aid kits hanging on walls. Shoving blood up through your boots and into your body has been proven more effective than boxes with red plus signs on them. One time a guy got shot in the stomach and was able to recover because doctors shoved a blood pack up through the soles of his feet. That proves they work better.

You play as a midget

Some people complain that Killzone 2’s camera view seems a bit low compared to other FPS’s. The only people that complain about that are “whiny Microshitting Fagtart fanboys” though. In fact, there’s a reason for that. In Killzone 2, you play as a midget.

The reason for the low camera angle is that Guerrilla Games are trying to prove that midgets can actually be just as effective in war as any other member of society. In fact, midgets are even better because they have been dehumanized to the point where they are able to cold-heartedly take another man’s life with ruthless efficiency. If you compare that to Halo 3’s anti-midget stance, I’m sure you will agree that Killzone 2 comes out on top every time.


Master Chief likes little boys

While it is never mentioned in Halo 3, Bungie has confirmed that, like Dumbledore in Harry Potter, Master Chief is a pedophile. I don’t have a link right now to show where it was confirmed but, you can trust me. Bungie said Master Chief is a pedophile, which is the point. Killzone 2 doesn’t have any pedophiles in it, and if there were, they would not be portrayed as heroes as they are in Halo 3. If they were in Killzone 2, you’d get to shoot them instead.

“Master Chief is a pedophile,” we think Bungie said one time, “He is a pedophile and we drew a picture to prove it”


32-player simultaneous voice chat works

You may at first think that allowing 32 people to talk simultaneously would cause a clusterf*ck of indecipherable gibberish, interspersed with “Helghast nigga” and you’d be right – If you’re an IDIOT!

The voice chat works because it is a metaphorical satire on the reality of war. Actual war is a mess of miscommunication and a breakdown of sensibility. That’s very different from Halo 3’s “War is great!” view, which is exactly what Killzone 2 portrays.

The controls are superior

First of all, everyone knows that XBOX threeshitty’s controller is shitty. It’s a fact that it’s worse than even the PC’s mouse and keyboard for playing FPS games. PS3’s Nex-Gen Blueray In Your Hand Device 3 is the definitive way to enjoy an FPS and anyone who disagrees is a puppy kicking, Al-Qaeda sympathizer.

A few nobody imbeciles have moaned that the controls are too hard for their clueless Halo-loving minds to comprehend, and that there is too much sluggish lag because they don’t understand the physics of the game. It’s not like jumping around with Spartan Needles and driving Pumbaa’s kids! Just as any real life soldier who has been in a real life war. They’d tell you that real soldiers have to wait a second to turn around after they press their left analog stick too. Guerilla Games has captured that perfectly.

It’s just better, admit it

Killzone 2 is better than Halo 3 because I like it. If I like it, that means all other games are complete shit. i have proven that is better with facts and if you disagree, you are literally, a moron.

[Thanks Jim]